NEW! Red Cameras Will Supply Camera Technology to US Military, Snipers, Drones

Razz44 · March 3, 2015

March 3, 2015.

Red Digital Cinema Camera, a Irvine, CA camera manufacturer of the popular Red camera announced today that it will begin suppling camera and sensor technology to the US Military, specifically new drone technology starting in 2016.

"We are thrilled to announce that Red Digital Cinema Camera will be providing a new unannounced camera called the 'Red Super Weapon' specifically calibrated for embedded war photographers and snipers and a small custom camera, codename "Red Mini" to aerial drone Murder from miles away^TM technology," said the official announcement.

"I couldn't be more thrilled" says CEO James Jinnarder III. "I was sitting there with David Fincher and Peter Jackson and Stevie Soderbergh and Betty Ford and Steve Buscemi and Bob Hope on my private island having a cigar and Peter said, 'Hey Jimmy, why not with all this war rhetoric like' Red Armor', and 'Red Battle-Tested' and 'Red Weapon' and 'Red Bomb EVF' - just start making military cameras BECAUSE WAR IS AWESOME!!!! "And I was like, 'bam - that's a great idea Pete.' And then Fincher is like, 'hey we are all perverts, why not make some spy technology too - wouldn't that be nice - kind of like x-ray vision to look for women in their underpants.' 'and I wasn't too into that. I have a daughter, for heaven's sake, Finch!"

"Also I'm just a little guy, but I'm going broke spending so much time and stress on reduser.net that my therapy bill has tripled so this is it, this is the evolution of Red. Obsolete absolve catch phrases!"

Official testing of the new Red Super Weapon and Red Mini have already started at Red Studios, a major Hollywood studio.

"The Red Epic was good, and the Red Scarlet - I don't quite know what we were thinking - but the biggest issue is that the Generals said the fan noise is too loud. It is hard to film some killer 6k footage of soldiers bashing in the enemy's skull or doing some gnarly illegal water-boarding of detainees if the fan noise is on. They couldn't even hear confessions because after a while of recording the fan gets so loud or cries for help. So we made it softer. In essence, we took old Red One MX's and just relabeled them with stickers that say "Red Super Weapon" - there were a ton lying around." "Also we got the idea for the Red Mini from the Arri Alexa Mini, which is pretty much a rip off of the Red Dragon, but without fan noise issues, no transcoding issues, higher perceived resolution, better highlight handling and skintones and motion cadence and better connections. So I don't really feel that bad. They stole from us first! They robbed us! Remember that like 8 years ago! It was Arri!!! GERMANS!"

US Military General and Soon-to-Be Halliburton CEO Dick Poop is incredible thrilled, "Damn, think of that 6k resolution to see where the enemy is hiding. We could even start using it to find out that the enemy is within. Sometimes our greatest enemies are ourselves."

"For instance, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are some of the greatest war criminals in history and they command the US Military! Maybe we can also use these Red Super Weapon to film some art for the veterans with PTSD and solve how we treat our veterans in America and bring justice to the bad guys - ourselves!!"

Jimmy Jinnarder III added, "we don't like to mix politics and cameras, but hey isn't that what cinema is about - moving people politically - AMERICAN SNIPER ANYONE? I don't want to comment on American Sniper since it was shot by a rival camera but it did move me - it would have moved me more if it was shot in 6k on our cameras - (resolution is everything) but there is a good message in there about how PTSD affects not just the solider but the families too." "Anyway maybe I'll reverse my policy and allow cameras to be used to tell political stories! How about that? As long as the cameras don't look at how I made my billions and how I own a Hollywood studio. Just by having billions of dollars I am screwing up the lives of millions because I am hoarding all the money and got myself a ticket to Mars - screw you EARTH!! "

"I used to tell my shrink that Reduser.net was my giving back but now it seems like it's preaching to the choir - just a bunch of yes men and bullies. Speaking of bullies, I'm a bully too - so the US military and me are a perfect fit! Did you remember how I called out 2 big-shot DPs who have given back a lot to the filmmaking community when it wasn't necessicary and I could have later apologized but didn't because I am rich and I don't need to follow the rules? That was SWEEEET!"

"I also want to say one last thing? Can I? I'm just a little guy fighting the big evil camera companies like Arri and Sony and Canon - they are evil. I am worth 3 billion but they are worth more - well not Sony anymore - I think they are going out of business. "

"Also finally, I want to say, "I REFUSE THE RIGHT TO SERVE ANYONE WITH A BAD ATTITUDE UNLESS ITS A BAD ATTITUDE TOWARDS OUR COMPETITORS and also LANDMINE MEDIA which owns Reduser.net and employs the president of Red Digital Cinema Camera also owns DVXUser.net and BMCUser.com - time to bring that forward. Remember that friends!"